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My Xanga went down like Eduardo (out for the rest of the year, Matt Taylor you bastard). It wasn't a conscious choice, just too many other priorities got in the way. I'm struggling to keep reading, working out, reciting Qur'an every day. I want to add guitar to that list, but I'm already inconsistent on the aforementioned subjects.
That being said, I couldn't resist posting this lil ditty someone wrote quite a while back. An article about ISNA, me and my AIM buddies would send it around, chuckling at its observations. I searched around the net recently and couldn't find it! Good thing I keep this crap. For the benefit of mankind, here you are:
The Art of Pursuing
ISNA MEN
Alright, let me preface this article by saying that I am in no way trying to delegitimize the religious nature of these Islamic conventions (such as ISNA) and cultural conventions (such as various
South-Asian and Arab cultural conferences) that we attend. ISNA, first
and fore mostly, is a place to go congregate with Muslims, to enhance
your faith by listening to uplifting and informative lectures. But
let's face it; most of us Muslims are Muslim-deprived most of the year.
That is to say, we don't see many others of our faith except the boring
regulars. For the youth, a place like ISNA is not only a place to
rejuvenate our dogmatic beliefs but also to fill the barrel of belief.
Oh, but don't forget! Marriage is half our faith! Many of the youth
spend about half their time in this pursuit. Let's face it. It happens.
Let's not fool ourselves. Such being the case, and only because this is
the case, have I felt the need to write this essay.
Lord Byron said that hope is a
scarlet-cheeked harlot. It's cheap and difficult to keep. Such an
outlook, I think, comes from never having succeeded at something. It's
borne out of extreme pessimism. The loss of hope is a condition I have
seen in many brothers who, after having frequented countless Islamic
conventions, are now old and wifeless. Another ISNA will arrive next
year and even though the brother will spend most of his time in the
hotel lobby he will never come to get the email address of the woman of
his dreams. He will lose hope. He will return to the minimally attended
lectures going on and sit by himself, hoping to run into a few friendly
faces, with which to wallow in that thing called male bonding. Let's
face it, male bonding occurs because there is no fiance to bond with.
Not having a fiance is a consequence of not having what I call an
"Islamic Game." Well,
here we have it. The money article. How to approach successfully.
Do not let the title of this article fool you. I am not out here
suggesting that all of you men become stalkers and pursuit-junkies.
Remember, the first rule is that pursuit signifies a lack of control.
Quit fooling yourself into thinking that a woman is a prey and you are
the predator. Those that live life like this, instead of feeling
content upon finding a wife, lose interest because the hunt is over. My
predator brothers are not someone I would like to associate with, much
less a dignified Muslim sister.
So, before I take the time out to suggest
my method for approaching sisters, let me first take a moment to find
out what are some present error prone methods.
1) The Lone Sufi: The lone Sufi is the guy who keeps his head down most
of the time, muttering comments to himself. He is smitten by one
particular girl (either that, or he has so little idea who he is in
love with that he has to close his eyes to think about her). If his
friends talk to him he may respond. otherwise he is more than satisfied
sitting there in a strange soliloquy of anthropomorphist zikr. The
remembrance of the beloved. Oh, and when the three days are over, he
will quietly exit stage left and that will be the end of the convention
and his infatuation. He will depart without any leads. His existence
seems romantic in a tragic way. It would be, I imagine, except this
particular lone Sufi is now 29 year old and has been alone just way too
long.
2) The Mad Maulana: This guy has a fatwa on every girl. That hijab is
too loose. Those jeans are too tight. Where is the jilbab? She is not
innocent enough (and we know what that means). Basically this guy hides
his insecurity and his pickiness between his theological commentaries.
If he is so religious, what is he doing in the lobby with the rest of
us? Exactly!
3) Religious Police: Like an Uruc-hai to a orc, this is a stronger
version of the Mad Maulana. At least the maulana acknowledges the
existence of females (and seems willing to participate in some sort of
discussion). Religious Police does not face the lobby. He turns his
back away. He is concerned with the salvation of his brother. Their
salvation is his wife. His commentary has only one theme: "Lower your
gaze brother!" - "Hell is hotter brother!" - "Astaghfirullah, akh,
that's someone's sister!"
4) The Guy Going to Med-School: Now this one has something to offer. If
he knew how to talk, he could actually come out successfully from the
convention. He stakes out on his own, interjects himself into a
conversation with a girl he likes, and because he has already gotten
into med-school, has a lot to say. The girls listen to him with wide-
open eyes. But, between all the suggestive MCAT scores, the grades one
needs, and the best interviewing strategy, he has nothing else to say. When the lecture is over, the girls walk away. He is a failure. He would not even have a shot with a cadaver.
5) The Dialectician: Dialectic is a concept of presenting information
in which one touches on all possible angles on a particular topic. A
brother practicing dialectic betrays uncertainty and ambiguity. He
struggles with sisters at ISNA because he is unsure how much of his
partying past he needs to hide with this muhajibba sister. But when he
meets a more "liberal" girl, at say, APPNA, he is not sure how much of his religiosity he needs to display. Thus, he ends up
presenting himself improperly. All of this is a consequence of him not
knowing what he himself wants. This guy is a loser. He has no game
because he doesn't know who he is.
6) The omnipresent: Let me first say, the "o" is not capitalized.
Anyway, this guy knows the right things to say, is truthful and appears
to be a nice guy. He can operate safely and successfully by himself
amidst the throng. He becomes the Mack of ISNA. He might even be a dork
in his real life. But at ISNA he is the top dawg. He could easily come
out of the convention and be content with that one particular girl that any Muslim guy should die for. But since he is a
dork he gets too excited by his success. He tries to make up at ISNA
all the lost years of failed approaches. He becomes restless. He is a
malcontent. He is not satisfied. He will go from one circle of girls to
another, spitting conversation, discussing life, making "contacts" (if
you know what I mean). He does not know when to stop so he ends up with
nothing.
So many times I have seen a brother reduced to meaningless chatter
because his initial advance was rebuffed by a comment from a girl, such
as "wow, you're pretty weird," or, "yeah, no, we aren't going anywhere
later?" The six aforementioned characteristics prevalent in my species
are a consequence of this. In my mind they are forgivable offenses
caused by that one particular force which men just don't know how to
deal with: the intimidation induced by women. Yes, the lone Sufi, the
omnipresent player, the maulana and all the others are the way they are in because of this. Women, and what fear they induce
in us, is what all this is about. It comes down to the essential
differences between how men court and how women are courted. Basically,
we guys develop all our "methods" because we are chicken, don't know
what we are doing, or because we are plain confused on what to do.
What Works? - The Battle Formation So, brothaz, here is the plan.
Approach the potential woman of your dreams with a plan - like the plan
that the Sahaba used to have before battle. Use my successfully
implemented Battle-Formation Plan and onto success you shall be.
First step, find the target. Amongst any one-target circle there is
usually only one "prime objective." Any one group of brothers must
first decide who this prime objective is. Whichever brother is most
interested (or has evidence to show that he is more likely to succeed
in conversation with the prime-objective) becomes the Point Man in the
cavalry. First, he must send out the Scout. The Scout is a sniper. His job is to zero in on the Prime Objective and make certain
that 1) there is no engagement ring on her finger 2) that she does not
have jack-rabbit teeth or a hyena laugh 3) that she is free from some
severe deformity and 4) that she is not someone's sister. The Scout,
therefore, must be the most knowledgeable and well traveled of the
battle group. He must also be reliable, and definitely have an agreeable face. Scary Scouts just intimidate the sisters.
Once the Scout has given approval, the march begins with the Point Man
leading his Wing Men. Then, here is the critical moment - the Point Man
must never become abandoned by his Wing-Men. The supporting cast is as
important as the Point Man. If the Point Man is abandoned due to the
laziness or the ineptitude of his Wing Men the point Men will be
surrounded by a bunch of sisters and will either be severely
embarrassed or resort to one of the aforementioned defensive mechanisms - which always lead to failure.
It is the job of the Point Man to directly make his way to the Prime
Objective. The Wing Men must, I repeat must, entangle themselves in
conversation with the Prime Objective's primary and secondary defenses
(usually cousins or friends). This conversation can be lame, sorry,
boring or any of the above. But remember, a Point Man's friends are
supposed to a reflection of his personality so I don't suggest such boring conversation. The best Wing Men are guys that
already have girls. Hitched wing-men are able to have something besides
you to talk about and can lower the defensives very swiftly. Anyhow,
this should be enough time for the Point Man to establish contact (uh,
verbally, of course) with the Prime Objective. I can't tell you how
things work from there. Sheesh, am I supposed to tell you what to say now?
--
Anyhow, there are some additional tactics, which are not available to
some brothers: Espionage. Find a brother with a fiance or a wife, get
his approval, and ask her to enter "that circle of sisters" and dig up
all the information out of the Primary Objective. In so doing you will
be able to say all the right things when, and if, you manage to
approach her. If you are privy to some secret information about the
Prime Objective you can totally forego the support of your Wing-men and stake out on your own. But Mr. Bond, just remember, when you get
shot down, you're on your own. Oh, and if you succeed, just be sure not
to get caught with your spy later on.
Well, there you are brothers. Follow the battle formation and find your soul mate. No one said that it would be easy.
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ISNA WOMEN
Alright, let me preface this article by saying that I no way advocate
what is posted on this site. This is merely a response to 'Approaching
Sisters at an Islamic Convention.'
Let me begin by stating this of course does not apply to all or even a
majority of the girls that attend these events. It is simply MY
observation. My first step will be to describe in as much detail as
possible on 9:30 Tuesday morning at my desk while eating my breakfast:
1) the Hijabi-no-doubt-about-it-Pact---these girls include those no-
nonsense girls that are at the conference to LEARN, that's right,
people do actually come to these events for reasons other then hooking
up. These girls do not tolerate any form of socializing and consider it
in bad taste to even consider matrimonial prospects at such a
gathering. Avoid them. If one of them really catches your eye and strikes you as the kind of girl you want to be with, find out who her parents are, and have your folks approach them.
2) The Hardly Hijabis-these are the girls that cover their heads with
scarves but continue to wear those tight pants, short sleeves or skirts
that end more then a respectable distance between ankle and leg. These
girls vary, they can be those who are covering for their parents' sake,
who handed them a scarf and stood menacingly over them until they tied
it around their head, or they may be those lot that are doing it
because all of their friends are. Either way, these girls are neither here nor there. I don't say avoid them until they
figure it out. Chances are they are going to stay this way until some
guy or other influence comes along and offers them some direction. If
you see one you like with potential, go for it. Perhaps you'll be the
one to inspire her, for good or bad now, that's a whole other story.
Keep in mind, however, these girls do tend to be flaky, but that comes
with the territory.
3) The hot-hijabis-this is that group of girls you look at, don't deny
it, we know you're looking and are like, "holy cow, I didn't know a
hijabi could look so damn good." Brother man, believe it, cause they
can and they do! These are the hijabis for the religious boys who want
a respectful, religious girl who isn't a fundamental (see
super-religious hijabi pact above). These girls know how to cover properly and in style. They are the ones inventing all those new
fashions with pinning the hijab on top of the head instead of the usual
under the chin or in the back bit. In addition to the style element,
these girls tend to be educated, and as normal as hijabis get. They
hang out, have fun, joke around, and oh my even talk to boys. They do
everything in a respectful manner and are very careful to maintain it. When approaching these girls, be honest and sincere.
They can see through fake mullahs in a second. These are the girls
non-hijabis don't mind being friends with because they aren't
judgmental or imposing their own religiousness upon them.
4) Homey-G Hijabis-We all know these
girls. They are our thug brother version in female form. They rock the
Tims, the big baggy clothing, all that FUBU gear and even though they
may be from eastern Pennsylvania, they will speak like they just got
off the 6 train in the boogey down Bronx. These girls are ideal for
their counterparts, the thugged out brothas. These girls usually wear
hijabs, and sometimes they let their ears poke out so that they can wear giant hoop
earrings. I think my favorite homey g sista that I encountered at ISNA
was wearing one of those, "Its all good under the hood," tshirts. Often
these girls are intimidating, so I cant say I've gotten to know many,
or any of them well to comment further.
5) Maulana Hoochie Mama-These girls have no shame, they wear what they
want, and act how they want. They are, to put it no other way,
disgusting. I am not commenting on their actions, as that's their
choice. But they often show up at a conference in clothes they'd wear
out clubbing. These girls are the ones that wear stiletto heel open
toed shoes even if there is snow on the ground outside. These girls are
often found congregating outside the hotel doors smoking to look cool strategically positioned near a group of young guys who may or may
not be looking. These girls are trouble. They are good for the guy who
is looking to get some action, as NOT ALL, but many will be happy to
provide it. Don't worry, it isn't just the guys looking to get some,
these girls are probably scouting for a fine young ISNA participants to
join them later in Room 3412.
6) The Society Girls- And then we have the group of girls who don't
fall into any of the above categories. These girls are usually trendy
without being tasteless and dress for the occasion. They don't always
don a scarf on their head, but its handy for the azaan and what not.
These girls are also pretty genuine. They don't care that they aren't
as religious as those around them. They aren't seeking the mullah man.
These girls are often the types that book a room at the ISNA
convention, but conveniently forget to register for the conference
itself. These girls are sly and can cast impressions of all kinds. They
range from the super conservative non religious type, to the wild and
crazy completely unaware of religion girl. On both extremes, they are
usually educated and aware of their decisions. They are seeking counterparts at a conference such as this because, well, lets
face it, it increases their chances exponentially because of volume.
These girls meet their men at the ISNA after party at whatever the cool
local joint may be. These girls are often opinionated and not afraid to
speak out. They seek corporate types, mds to be, older sophisticated
men. They know what they are after and once they've
filtered the potentials and deem them unworthy focus on having fun.
So I didn't actually address the title of my essay. But its after
lunchtime now, and I have to do what it is that I get paid the big
bucks for. So, hold tight. I'll complete this after busy season or at
some other point.
Also, girls, and I know girls are like
this, relAXXXXXXXXXXXX, I'm just generalizing, no need to get all
worked up...this isn't about YOU. Its merely a comedic piece on the
women of ISNA. If you can sum it up better, go for it, just don't
forget to forward me a copy.
Ok so on to our game plan. Girls are much more simple then guys. We
walk around and wait for a guy to come and talk to us. None of this
what should I say, should I get my friend to go up to her, how should
we do it nonsense. We see someone we like and if he happens to be
looking our way also and our eyes lock for an instant longer then they
should we've done our job. Now he has to come and talk to us. Then we
can keep walking around in circles at the booths waiting and hoping that he's following us and just trying to get the balls to come
up to us. My other favorite girl thing to do is stand near him and his
boys. We decide we'll just hang out near him until he's as convinced as
one can be without us holding a sign up that we want him to come talk
to us. Some boys are slick enough to pick this up, but the majority of
them are still either too damn shy or just not interested. The ones
that aren't interested are smart enough to not look at us again or just
walk away. We get the hint. Those of us that keep stalking you, I
apologize on their behalf. Girls if you're reading this, stop acting
pathetic. If they don't want to talk to you, they're idiots, MOVE ON.
The bold girl sometimes asks her guy friends, class fellows, whatever
it is you want to call those guys you know and talk to, if they know of
the guys in the group and then the necessary introductions are made. I
have to admit, its a lot simpler on our ends when it comes to the
actual interactions. Guys at some level expect us not to like them, so
even getting out of the situation is easy. We signal to our
girlfriends, they take the hint and get rid of the undesired object.
Last but not least, I mention my favorite part of these conventions. It
has to be all the girls and guys that meet online a couple of months
before the conference and begin asking, "Will you be at ISNA this
year?" The planning begins the conference serves as meeting ground for
the online lovers. Some are fortunate, others.....well, he wasn't
kidding when he said he was 5'2, almost 100 pounds with glasses braces
buck teeth and pimples. For anyone out there to fits this description,
don't take it personally you're still loveable, but for the same reason
I'm not Halle Berry, you're no Pierce Brosnan. And that boys and girls
is all I can offer on this subject.
Please forgive the quality of this writing. But you have to admit its
not bad downtime at work. Besides, how do I explain 'Maulana Hoochie
Mama' to my manager who came over and looked at my screen?!?!!? There's
a reason why we don't use our real names on these things!
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